2017, Blogging Challenge 2017, goals, IRL

Monday Blues: Fall down seven, get up eight.

So maybe I got a little bit sidetracked last week and posted pre-written (nonsense) posts just not to break the post streak, and I may or may not have failed to pass a few (a lot) of class papers..

I’m feeling that drowning feeling again and it’s not.. nice.

Just when I thought I was coping a little, it comes back and bites me. Hard. Harder than before. I end up a bloodier mess than what I was when I started. It’s batshit crazy to be honest.

I have to rest days and I had extra day off to finally spring clean my apartment and finish all the stuff I had to do, and I end up laying on bed watching Netflix. Okay, I did have a productive 12 hours where I was able to finish tidy up my room and finish the more important stuff (like my 2 term papers due the day after), but other than that, none.

Part of me wants to congratulate myself for a job well done, but part of me also wants to bang my head for the things I haven’t done.

It makes me seriously wonder.. Is it me? Is there something very wrong with me that I can’t stick to my plans? I used to be so in control and I used to be able to have so much self control.. but now I feel like I have none. Nada. Zero.

OKAY. I am really thankful that I was able to break my borderline OC control because it was not healthy at all and just landed me at the hospital.. but as crazy as it sounds I want some of that control back. I want to be able to wake up 2-3 hours before my shift or class and get some workout done. I want to be able to control my (now healthy) portions and stop this starve-binge-starve cycle that I have going on, and be able to finish my daily to-do list WHATEVER it takes, be it pulling an all-nighter. Some days I think that I’d rather have too much control than nothing at all but I know that’s bad. Really, really bad.

*sigh*

So what to do now?

Get up and pick up where I stumbled. I want to give up, but I don’t have to. I need to get up because I owe it to the people who never gave up on me. I have to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep paving this path that I forged for myself. I need to prove it to myself that I can. I can go further than this.

I watched the motivational video I posted about last week, and it renewed me. It reminded me that I can do it. I can manage. I can do it. I don’t have to start over, I can pick up where I fell down and learn from my mistakes. I am not going to quit, not even when I reach my current goal. I’ll set another goal and reach that, and set another and reach that, and so on.

I may be in a dark place right now, and I don’t like it one bit, but I will not be here for the rest of my life. I will move forward and push forward. I don’t need a guiding light, because I am the guiding light for myself.

I know where I want to be, and I know how to get there.

And so I will.

2017, Blogging Challenge 2017, Dear Diary, IRL

My Favorite Day with You.

I love every single day that I’ve been with you, but there’s one day that I will always be in love with.

It was a relatively normal day for us, nothing fancy or out of the ordinary. We had a slightly different schedule and for some reason I haven’t seen you much that day. I can’t exactly remember if it was because I had classes or something else entirely, but the first time I saw you that day, you were with one of our friends and you had three roses and a box. I didn’t really think that was mine at first.. after all, it’s not your style and I don’t really have that much patience with superficial gifts. You know my experience with extragavant actions but sinister intentions, and for some reason I just don’t trust material interpretations of affection. Our friend also was a more suitable candidate for the typical showy boyfriend, so I really didn’t mind. Not at all.

I do remember seeing you acting strange and jittery, but naive me just ignored it and went on my business. I even chided our friend because I seriously thought it was for his (now ex) girlfriend.

Was I really that naive? I guess so. Maybe I learned not to expect anything, because our relationship at this stage was so juvenile yet exclusive at some point. We were unsurely sure of ourselves and I was half into it and half out of it, ready to take it future or just move on. Millenial love. Always making sure you’re not the one left in the dust.

But that wasn’t the case right?

The reason why you were acting so weird was because it was for me. The pivotal moment of our relationship.

“Pupunta ako sa inyo.”

(I’m going to your house.)

Remembering those words now brings tears to my eyes. We’ve come so far my love.

I personally went from being unsure and ready to go to realizing you are the one I want to grow and mature with. What you did showed me how much you wanted to prove to me that you’re serious. That you’re not playing around and what you said is true.

Meeting my grandparents is a rite of passage for my suitors, and you passed it with flying colors. Nevermind that you were in cold sweat the whole time or that I intentio nly left you alone for a few minutes with them. You were able to talk to my grandfather and he even joked with you! That’s something no one has ever done before. The roses and the cake definitely helped though,but it was your sincerity that gave you away.

They saw that your intentions was pure, and that you’re serious. They perhaps saw something else I didn’t see, and now they look for you more than they look for me. They cook your favorites everytine you come over. They have become so used to you that they are okay with us being alone in the house for some periods of time. They know you enough that they entrust me with you. They share my minute details and short comings because they know you’re another voice that I listen to.

They might as well love you as much as you love me.

It’s a dream come true.

Uncategorized

102

You gave me so much memories. Memories I don’t want to forget, but I don’t want to remember either..

It’s strange, that just when I thought I have forgotten about you, I just had to pass by that place. Your place. I just had to get a whiff of that scent. Your scent. 102.

Quite honestly, I froze, as if the world stopped. Every. Single. Memory. rushed back with no warning.

How we met, how we kissed, how you held me in your arms.

Our late night adventures, spontaneous trips and endless conversations.

Getting high and getting drunk.. in love?

No, never.

It was never love for us. It was the unknown that gave us our bond. My lips were never your drug. It was the taste of someone else, knowing that I was with someone else that turned you on and made you crave and desire me. It was, wasn’t it? It was because I made myself available to you anytime and everytime you needed me. I was always there for you in the way I was never available to her. It was my inexperience that drew you in. You knew I was innocent, and you preyed on it. You corrupted me in the best way possible.

You taught me the how to disregard my plans, how to throw caution to the wind. You taught me how to trust in faith and to trust that everything will work out. You taught me to stop expecting anything, because you always did what I least expected. Why? You told me to believe in everything you said and promised, because you’ll always do it. You did. Once, maybe twice. You promised that you’ll always be there for me. You were, once upon a time. Then you weren’t. I expected you to stay, but you didn’t. I expected you to be there, but you never came. I expected you say it, but you never did. I expected everything from you, and you were nothing.

I’ll blame it on the rose tinted glasses that you gave me, that fogged with the steam of your cooking.

I know my vision’s bad, but my glasses were crystal clear. It slowly fogged with the hot plates of food you made for me. With my sighs everytime your lips met. With our heated exchanges everytime we fought. You colored it with red markers to disguise the blazing red flags my friends were waving at me. My vision was no longer bad, I got blinded, and holding on to you was the only direction I had. You lead me, lead me on towards the cliff. You whispered into my ear, saying that you’ll catch me.. you’ll always be there for me.. but you weren’t. I fell. Hard.

I reached the bottom, broken and bloody, with your twisted fairytale to keep me company. I was so shattered.. I forgot myself. I tried building myself into the shape of you, only to fall apart again.

It was so fucking hard and you came.. to watch me.

I wanted you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to claim you. I wanted you so much that I thought I needed you. I couldn’t see anything or anyone else but you..

But you were already gone.

You left with sufficient explanations.. explanations I gave myself. Words that came back eating me alive. Words I wish I never said, because those very same words built my chains I was never able to break.

I spent agonizing days trying to reach you, be with you.. until one day I woke up with clear glasses.. the tint and fog washed away by tears. I stopped running after you, and started rebuilding myself piece by piece into who I really am. I started to see all the blood red flags surrounding you.

I deleted all traces of you, I threw away every single broken piece that resembled you and what we had. I washed all memories of you from the places we used to go.

I felt brand new, and I felt like I was able to move on..

Until that day, that place, that scent..

Fuck you, 102.

Uncategorized

Down Below

Down below people walk the streets
Down below everything seems surreal
Down below it’s like a fantasy
Life goes on with or without me

I face the heavens with one tiny prayer
Please guide me away from the edge of the brazier
Take my hand and lead me Lord
I’m not so sure of this letter

I close my eyes and feel the wind rushing by
Like thousands of murmurs and whispers
Welcoming me, seducing me
To be one with the pavement down below

2017, Blogging Challenge 2017, Dear Diary, Finances, IRL

How I Budget

Okay. So today let’s talk about money. Money money money. I’ll share with you how I budget my cash. I’ll just use percentages for now because I really don’t want to share the exact amount of cash I have (it’s not much but you can never be too careful). Also, I don’t think it would help much if I use monetary value because then you would have to convert currencies. You get me? I hope so.

Let’s start!

By the way, I also budget my cash bimonthly, but I converted it to a monthly chart for you. I’ll go in-depth as we go on, and I hope you learn something from me.

Here’s my monthly budget:

monthlybudget

As you can see, my budget right now primarily comprises of bills, bills bills.. that’s because I am fully supporting myself and living nowadays in the city is damn expensive.

My bills include my rent & utilities (electricity, water, etc), my internet plan, grocery money and whatever amount my 52-week Money Challenge is. I changed my money challenge into something more manageable and I started over, but if you’d like to learn more about it, just click the link.

Next is my allowance.. it’s the second big piece because I commute and I eat out most of the time. I want to change that though, but I guess it’s not really that possible these days.

Lastly is my savings. I would love for this piece to grow bigger, but right now I have to focus on my bills first. The important part is that I save consistently. I automatically save whatever extra cash I have left from my allowance or if I have any bonuses. I try not to adjust my spending with the amount of money that I have, so that I can stay within budget and learn how to live frugally.

I also use the envelope method to budget my money. Every payday I take all the cash I currently have on hand and divide them between designated envelopes. Then, I only bring the envelope I need for the day. For example, if I’m paying my bills, I only bring my bills envelope so that I only have enough cash for my bills and I don’t have any cash for impulsive buys.. or if I’m going to shop for groceries, I only bring my grocery list and cash envelope so that I can stay focused on my groceries and what I really need… because I don’t have extra money to use for anything else. I’ll take you grocery shopping with me sometime.. maybe when I actually try out the Whole30 diet plan. We’ll see.

To keep my allowance in check, I also make sure to bring only what I need for that day. If I have to pay something, I only add the exact amount I need for that expense to my daily allowance so that I don’t spend extra. Out of sight, out of mind right?

For my savings, I have one that I keep in the bank for emergency purposes and there’s another that I keep at home (loose change, unspent money from daily allowance..) just in case I overspend and I have no more money.. kind of like a safety net? Just to make sure I live lol. But once the next payday comes in, I “pay back” whatever amount I took earlier and then deposit that in the bank and start a new one that I keep at home. So there’s like a fixed savings amount and an additional one that depends on how much extra cash I have.

These little things have helped me keep my budget in check to be honest. I am not the most disciplined when it comes to money and I have quite a few slip ups with my money and I have ended up broke (like now lol) but what’s important is I get back on track as soon as I can. I mean, I have big plans for my money and I won’t be able to make those plans a reality if I don’t have the money.

I actually wonder how the hell my grandmother was able to handle our money so well. I never felt poor or lacking while I was growing up and I just recently discovered that life wasn’t that easy when I was growing up.. I hope I’ll be as good as her when it comes to managing my finances.

Well, I guess that’s it, guys. Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you learn something from me. Remember that the system that works for me might not work for you, so make sure to experiment and check out other tips on how to manage your cash.

Poetry, Short Story

Free

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!”

Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of hiding, this is my big reveal.

Seven long years of repairing, recovering my lost self. Seven years of rebuilding, reshaping my life. It’s amazing really, how five months ruined me, everything I believed in, and everyone I cared for. Five months that had to be reversed by seven years.

I walked out, with my carefully perfected catwalk. I was greeted by flashing lights, by applause. I smiled, nodded at the familiar faces. I was presented with a bouquet of flowers, and smiled my perfect smile, my smile reaching my eyes for the first time in a long time. I looked around, and recognized the movement.

My smile wavered for a bit, but my steely composure will never shatter now. Sure, I remember everything, every word, every action, every single second. But I’m happy to say that I’m over everything now. Honestly, I realize with relief.

I smiled brighter, even laughing with joy.. Real joy this time. With a final wave to my adoring audience, I turn, and go back to the dressing rooms to prepare for the interviews. I glanced back once, and met his eyes.

Those clear brown eyes I know all too well. I’ve seen anger, lust, love, sadness, and insanity in those eyes. I’ve stared into those eyes pleading for salvation, for an end to everything, but I never got any. I remembered the early moments that led me to believe I was in love with someone who finally cared. Someone who actually took the time to understand me, to know me, to memorize every single detail of me.

Those eyes showed me that I can be free, that I can be happy and the world didn’t end. He was my savior from all the creatures under my bed, the monsters inside my head. The one who can make the skeletons in the closet vanish. I can stare into those eyes and say what I want, when I want without any reservations and without fear of being judged.

Sadly, those same eyes were the eyes I stared into while the one who owns them.. I shook myself from the recollections. I promised myself that I would never think of these messages ever again. Not today, not ever. This is all in the past now. I’m over everything that has happened. I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, but I will no longer remember.

I break the eye contact, close my eyes and breathe in, and breathe out. I will be okay. I am okay.

I have moved on.

Inspired by: Unlove You – KZ Tandingan

2017, Academic Writings, Blogging Challenge 2017, First Impressions

First Impressions and Childhood Nicknames

So for my Asia Pacific Studies class, we were given the assignment to list down other people’s first impression of ourselves and our alias when we were younger. For today’s post, I’d like to share with you my class paper. 🙂

1. The most common impressions that I got from my friends are;

a. Know-it-all
– She always sat in front and was a little too attentive in class, she always answers questions and when she’s wrong.
– She always had a book and pen with her and her library list is too long.
– She always answers “based on what I read” or “According to *some author or smart person*”.

b. She wants to do it all kind of girl and attention seeker
– She always volunteers for class beadle tasks for each subject and joins clubs or other activities.. on top of her activities outside school. It’s like she doesn’t sleep.
– She accepts many tasks and then complains about how many things she has to do and that her schedule is filled.
– Her resume is filled with all sorts of seminars and activities
– She’s Lakambini of this and Representative of that or Associate of this and Sponsor of that. I think you can find her name in every club and org available and not just a member but an officer. A major officer.

c. Control Freak
– She always writes in her planner and tells everyone what to do in group projects or where to eat or where to go after school. If things doesn’t go according to her plan she either gives up or gets mad. She gets scary sometimes.
– She practices presentations too much and always has back-up plans and things for anything that might go wrong.
– When I ask her if we can go somewhere she checks her planner first before saying yes and then dictates the time when we can meet. Then she gets angry when I’m late and how many activities she had to move.

d. Suplada, unapproachable, mataray, high maintenance
– She was always made up and her clothes didn’t have any stains or creases. I’ve never seen her wear 2-inch and below heels.
– She has a “resting bitch face” and when she walks it’s like you don’t want to stand in her way or talk to her.
– She always seemed occupied with some important thing and you don’t want to bother her.

e. Rich kid
– She wears nice things and her clothes look well-made and expensive. She always speaks in English and doesn’t know the meaning of some Filipino slang.

I was not surprised with their answers because I hear these most of the time, but I didn’t know that I seemed like that to them. They did say that I have kind of relaxed overtime and that I have a lighter side to me.

2. My alias when I was younger was Esang. My nickname, Nessa was changed to Esang to make it uglier because of superstition. My grandmother told me that when I was 2 or 3 years old and was spending my first summer at our ancestral house in Nueva Ecija, I had a lot of imaginary friends and I didn’t want to go home. The night before our trip back to Bulacan, I went missing and was found next to an old acacia tree in our manggahan (mango farm) covered in dirt and dried leaves. The caretakers who found me asked where I went and I pointed to the tree and I said that I don’t want to leave because my friends would get angry. My elders called an albularyo (witch doctor) who told them to place a doll by the tree and call the doll Nessa and change my name so that the engkantos (tree spirits) would not take me again. We were able to go home to Bulacan and I never had any other imaginary friends. I don’t remember being called Esang or staying for more than a day in our ancestral home. I was told this story when I was graduating elementary and had a project about growing up. I was looking for baby pictures and I found a scrapbook with my preschool notes, mementos, etc and the name written was Esang. The weirder part is that this has happened to every firstborn girl of our family’s generation ever since my great great great grandfather brought home a girl he got pregnant and his mother didn’t accept the girl and made him marry someone else.