So maybe I got a little bit sidetracked last week and posted pre-written
(nonsense) posts just not to break the post streak, and I may or may not have failed to pass a few (a lot) of class papers..
I’m feeling that drowning feeling again and it’s not.. nice.
Just when I thought I was coping a little, it comes back and bites me. Hard. Harder than before. I end up a bloodier mess than what I was when I started. It’s
batshit crazy to be honest.
I have to rest days and I had extra day off to finally spring clean my apartment and finish all the stuff I had to do, and I end up laying on bed watching Netflix. Okay, I did have a productive 12 hours where I was able to finish tidy up my room and finish the more important stuff (like my 2 term papers due the day after), but other than that, none.
Part of me wants to congratulate myself for a job well done, but part of me also wants to bang my head for the things I haven’t done.
It makes me seriously wonder.. Is it me? Is there something very wrong with me that I can’t stick to my plans? I used to be so in control and I used to be able to have so much self control.. but now I feel like I have none. Nada. Zero.
OKAY. I am really thankful that I was able to break my borderline OC control because it was not healthy at all and just landed me at the hospital.. but as crazy as it sounds I want some of that control back. I want to be able to wake up 2-3 hours before my shift or class and get some workout done. I want to be able to control my (now healthy) portions and stop this starve-binge-starve cycle that I have going on, and be able to finish my daily to-do list WHATEVER it takes, be it pulling an all-nighter. Some days I think that I’d rather have too much control than nothing at all but I know that’s bad. Really, really bad.
So what to do now?
Get up and pick up where I stumbled. I want to give up, but I don’t have to. I need to get up because I owe it to the people who never gave up on me. I have to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep paving this path that I forged for myself. I need to prove it to myself that I can. I can go further than this.
I watched the motivational video I posted about last week, and it renewed me. It reminded me that I can do it. I can manage. I can do it. I don’t have to start over, I can pick up where I fell down and learn from my mistakes. I am not going to quit, not even when I reach my current goal. I’ll set another goal and reach that, and set another and reach that, and so on.
I may be in a dark place right now, and I don’t like it one bit, but I will not be here for the rest of my life. I will move forward and push forward. I don’t need a guiding light, because I am the guiding light for myself.
I know where I want to be, and I know how to get there.
And so I will.